Dating 9 months no commitment
You don’t say, “Ok, I rocked you, now pay me back with your lifelong commitment.” That won’t work. (If you’re not sure what I mean, find out why “you go girl” thinking is the worst advice.) I mean you must teach him how to treat you, so that he has to initiate, make an effort, and earn the thing he wants. I’m far more committed to something I’ve invested in than something that was lobbed at me.
MAKE HIM EARN IT Once you’ve rocked his world, you don’t then give away the keys to the store. I’m not talking about berating, withholding, or any other mind-fuck thing we all despise. They want to know what they’re going after is worth their time.
“But it won’t work out because he’s noncommittal.” They had just met.
Plenty of folks commit out of pressure, or a sense that it’s what they “should” do. I mean the great stuff he loves about being with you. And this was Barb’s undoing: She compromised what she wanted off the bat by letting him know she was down for “whatever” and you know what that means: noncommittal, anytime sex without strings. But when you can really wow someone and then make him come back for more, you win. I started dating a fella in the fall who was fresh out of a 6-year committed, live-in relationship, who said he was unlikely to call anyone his girlfriend anytime soon. If you even consider committing to someone when your world hasn’t been sufficiently rocked, then you’re in for a very long haul. And I don’t just mean sex because you can get sex anywhere. She thought he did and was going low-rent on him hoping he’d come back. This also doesn’t mean you won’t get rejected along the way (read why this is really important). I can’t even commit to hanging shelves” ba-dump-bump joke. If you can’t blow his mind, he’s not looking to commit to you. Over dinner one night, I said, “So it sounds like I’m kinda your girlfriend now,” I teased.
Over the holiday weekend, he took me on a romantic road trip, during which he whispered in my ear those very words you’re dying for a man to say to you. Sure we’ve had a few crossed signals along the way, and I had my share of insecurities. My point is, this isn’t a trick you pull to “get” someone to commit, and then stop. It’s the way you live your life together—and can you think of a better way than to continue to impress and engage and deserve each other? The key is to practice that NOW, not so you can stop doing it when you find someone, but so you can really start. When you’re knee-deep in pain and confusion, my Break-Up 911 online workshop can gently get you back on your feet. He has to want to be with you and enjoy your company and feel pretty fucking awesome around you. When we were together, I made him feel like a million bucks. Six months later, he spends most evenings with me, cooks me dinner, and invited me to his best friend’s wedding (which is three months away). But the decision to be committed to a relationship is a choice you keep making in the present, which is where you always are.